So where am I in my Year of Super-Villainy? Hmmm.
Let's see. I accidentally created "Skyline's Newest Super-Hero Sensation," the idiotic Green Hunter. I've battled a hamster (And cannot declare a clear victory. Damn you Hamster, damn you!). I've been betrayed by the one minion I thought I could trust. And I've been surpassed in villainous reputation by my robotic doppelganger. Yeah, this year's been just great!
I've been thinking that maybe what I need is a change of scenery. A fresh start. When I had a crisis of confidence before, I realized that I wasn't thinking big enough. I needed a big city instead of a little town. Well, you know, maybe just a city isn't big enough for my aspirations. I need to go intergalactic.
That's right, I have made some contacts with the Scorloons. I perhaps was too harsh in my earlier assessment of them. They're actually quite potent. And their language is beautifully melodic. I don't know who said it sounded like "a bear raping a refrigerator," but they (clearly) didn't know what they were talking about. They have read about my exploits and #17 Most Wanted ranking (Shhh. Don't ruin this for me.) and want me to help them in the (eternal) quest to conquer Earth.
I have graciously accepted their offer to travel to their Empire and help them develop fool-proof plans for victory. When I return, this victory will not be hollow. It will be filled with the gooey sweetness of revenge!
Assessment
Yes, we're still doing "Five-Dolla' Fridays"
It seems as though it's been forever, but now, finally, the steps toward global domination have begun. While I have plans to conquer the world, and hopefully, all of reality, I do have some scores to settle. Some personal injuries that must be settled first.
I awoke early in morning and went to the departmental lounge and vaporized all of the copies of Johann's thesis papers. That's right, I have obliterated the culmination of 8 years of diligent study and writing! Now who's the brightest star at the University? The only glow now is emanating from your scorched theses! Ha, ha! I have also sent him an e-mail laced with a worm virus that will wipe out his computer's saved version of his work. (One must be thorough in this regard.) I neglected to inform him that I sent this e-mail with the power of my mind, but I think complete academic annihilation should suffice.
I am choosing to wait on the defeat of my own committee members. I have hopes of completely eliminating them from the timestream, but (unfortunately) I can't muster that power level. Yet! Yet.
But these are matters of the ephemeral mental realm. How about getting into the grimy, real world of doomsday machines and blasting the hell out of muscle-bound super-heroes? Well, no heroes (Yet! Yet.), but I have conquered my first parcel of real estate. The grand dominion has its humble origins in the conquest of The Pub!
Several years ago, some irritating bartender there refused my completely valid ID and refused to serve me my drink of choice. (Running a driver's license through the credit card machine doesn't prove if it's valid you moron!) On my birthday no less! This crime could not go unanswered, so I strapped into my battle-suit and marched in and declared myself the new ruler of the third most popular bar in this University town. Resistance was minimal. That is, it was, after I explained that I wasn't going to change any policies and business could proceed as usual. The student bartender (Derrick) said that Larry, the (previous) owner, was out of town. "He's usually gone for, like, a couple weeks. He'll come back and say he's got some new, great idea, or something. Just as long as I can keep my tips, it's cool with me." Yes Derrick, it is cool indeed. Very cool.
