A simple, elegant solution

I'm direct blogging from my mind now. I'm so excited. Why didn't I think of this before? The hamster's a problem? KILL THE HAMSTER! A nice, simple, elegant solution.

So my first act of villainy will be perpetrated on an eight ounce rodent? No problem. My path to glory and infamy will overwhelm this humble beginning. I mean, what are they going to remember, that I first battled a hamster, or that I blanketed the world in a plague of werewolf ninjas? (Werewolf ninjas? I should remember that for later.)

I'm going to the minion's dorm room. I've sent him out to gather materials for the armor, but I've given him hopelessly convoluted instructions that should keep him occupied for

- oooooh! a weeelll! when did that get here? wanna run! -

Aaargh! See what I'm talking about? Constant annoying inter...

- run. run. ooo. me hungry, want food! hey! a foodman!-

Shhh. I'm going to quietly go into the room. I see you hamster. I'm coming to get Yes, little hamster, I've got food for you; how about some hot lead? Do you have enough of that in your diet? Ha, ha!

- hi foodman! give food! food! food! wait what that? that not food. danger! run!-

You can't hide in there little bastard! I'll smash your tunnel to bits! Ha, take that! I'm going to kill you so...

- run! run! danger! -

Damn, I missed. Hold still you little fuzzball!

- mean, mean foodman! hide, hide. danger! -

Shut up! Crap, I'm out of bullets. Boy those things can smash a place up. He's around here somewhere. I'll just stomp on him. Heeere, hamster hamst...

- new tunnel! run! danger! -

Crap, he's running for the vent! Stop, stop!

...

Okay, okay. Let me gather my thoughts here. So, the minion's room is kind of in shambles. I guess I really need to take a shooting course. Yes, and a fighting course. (Damn you, Hunter!) So, the hamster managed to dodge the shots. Maybe, in retrospect I should have just grabbed the hamster and just finished him quickly. I guess I fell into the old villain trap of trying to be too flashy with the gun and all. It was just going to be so cathartic to shoot that hamster and silence him forever. But...

So I missed, smashed open the cage, and he escaped through a vent. It all happened so fast, I couldn't tell if I wounded it or not. Maybe I did. You know how chickens can run around for a while even with their heads cut off? Maybe I've mortally wounded it, but adrenaline and dying muscle memory got it into the vent? I haven't heard any other comments since it ran in there. Yes, I'm sure it's dead. That's a relief. Now I can get back...

- mean foodman! hamster free now. hamster free! -

Nooooooooo!