So I am awakened from my hibernation by Green Hunter, as he and the Earth's Elite are having some sort of skirmish with an alien armada of some sort. I am woefully uninformed when it comes to the various alien empires. You'd think that I would know more, what with me being the (former) Scorloon Emperor for Life and all, but I never could keep all of the colliding constants straight on those names. Just mash your hand on a keyboard and you have a 75% chance of hitting on the name of one of those races. "Duygbl?" "Gytrublv?" "Lcytjvkjbhhk?" Yeah, those are all (probably) accurate. And that's before you even get to the ones who communicate telepathically. For those you need to visualize a potato dancing with an empty orange bucket in order to say "hello". That way lays madness, I say.
Anyways, in the course of their battle Green Hunter is sent sailing off into an asteroid belt and he bumps into my asteroid-y looking cocoon. This awakens me, and after I burrow my way through the (delicious) larval crust I shatter the cocoon off my body. I'm a little groggy and out of it, so I say "Innnnttttteeeeerrrrnnnn?" I'm pretty sure this scares the crap out of him, and looks at me with shock (and awe) and says, "You!? It can't be... you're dead!"
Yeah, welcome back. Thanks idiot. So I fired some energy blasts at him and then took off to get my bearings. So now I'm on my way back to Earth. Dead? What do they think of me back there? What did that stupid robot do now? Dead? Not cool, doppelganger, not cool.
Thanks, Dr. Hunter
A wake-up call
Apparently, I've been, uh, out of it for a while. This is news to me, of course. I was trying to get a handle on the new, totally awesome, cosmic scope of my Walking Blackhole-gifted-abilities. The transition was, I'll admit, a little rough. The days of sleeplessness had me grappling with real philosophical demons; "Is my 'Super-villain' moniker stupid, or brilliant?", "Why are my eyes on fire?", "Does anyone else smell cotton candy?".
Finally (finally!) I was able to reach a singular state of Zen With The Universe And All The Life It Encompasses Throughout The Countless Eons and find sleep. Or I just punched myself in the face until I blacked out (U-Make-The-Call!).
Well, let me take a step back here for a second. There are 2 terrible things that happened during my rest. First, my body recuperated from my cosmic upgrade. Well not recuperate, exactly. I've gathered that the cosmic energy is rewriting my body to comply with the Walking Blackhole's needs of a Vanguard: flight, cool energy abilities, and a singular tuning to his Terrible Hunger. To do all that, the old body has to go. So the glowing eyes were just a sign of my body being disintegrated from the inside out! So in exchange for these new powers I get cooked from within, like a hot dog in a microwave. So my body more is more "regurgitated", than recuperated. I guess it's a long process too, because I had to form a cocoon of organic rock and lose two months on my Year of Super-Villainy.
Yes, I was floating in the depths of space in an asteroid like cocoon for 2 months. Will anyone back on Earth even remember me? All that brand building I worked on, and I let it all go to waste? Gah! Actually, 2 months isn't so bad. The process didn't totally finish. I actually got prematurely awoken from my hibernation by an interstellar super-hero fight. That brings me to the second terrible thing to happen to me. The thing that woke me up? The first face I see after the long metamorphosis?
Green Hunter!
Mmmm! Delicious.
The Scorloon worlds are no more. The Walking Blackhole has devoured them. I've got awesome cosmic powers now that I need to try out. They were a bit vague on what these new abilities are. For one thing, my eyes now glow constantly. It looks awesome coming out of my mask eye holes, but is making it very difficult to sleep. I'm sure the other things I can do now are much cooler. Also, did you know that when the Walking Blackhole consumes a world he unhinges his jaw? Yeah. It's one of things you can never un-see.
Moon 5 is for carbon copies
Perhaps you have noticed the lapse in posting recently? (Or not.) Well, I have been wrapped up in tense negotiations with the Walking Blackhole! Okay, not the Walking Blackhole himself. He is as large as a dwarf star, which makes it difficult to talk man to man, er, Celestial Force. But 'ol Blackhole has a guy. A go-fer. A guy who finds him planets to sate his "unquenchable hunger." I know. How do you sate an unquenchable hunger? It doesn't really matter.
The point is that to find these planets the Blackhole has gifted vast cosmic energy to some dude to get the job done. Honestly, he mentioned that he was somethingsomething, Vanguard of the Walking Blackhole, but I didn't catch it. It's been a bit awkward having 2 weeks of negotiations with him when I can't remember his name. "Hey...there, you." "Yes, I agree... with you..." I don't think he's noticed though. His glowing visage doesn't seem too emotive, so it's hard to tell.
Anyway, the Scorloons control 3 planets in the system and 17 moons. Most of those are used for inventory storage and bookkeeping. When everything you do requires 15 forms, it takes up space (pun! ha!) fast. So in exchange for providing these delicious planetary snacks (and a couple of billion Scorloon lives) to the Walking Blackhole, he will endow me with a portion of his immeasurable power. So the deal: he doesn't eat me, and I get some sweet power upgrades.
That's what I call win-win.
Clearly, this is a mandate
The results are in.
I am now the Scorloon Emperor for Life! No more red tape (for me). No more annoying minutia. Just a planet where my every whim is law. This will be great. The only downside is that I'm ruling Scoloons. They're... nice, I guess. It'd just be nice to actually be able to select an Empress that doesn't have exposed pulsating egg sacs, you know?
Also, I don't think they got the hang of what an election is. Maybe they don't have a proud democratic tradition, but this was a little shocking. There are something like 2 billion Sorloons on the planet, and I won by receiving one vote. From myself, of course.
Well, I hope they keep that level of civil involvement for rebellion when I lead their culture to disastrous ruin.
Vote or die!
The Super-Villain for Scorloon Emperor for Life campaign is going very strong. Okay, technically, this election is a sham that I cannot possibly lose, but it's rewarding to be out there meeting the people. Well, not really people. I'm on the road, shaking, er, "sucker-clasps" and kissing babies, um, "larva." Not really kissing in the conventional sense. Smiling at, maybe? But you can't really tell with my face mask on. So I suppose I glower for a few seconds at the grubs before they scurry off in fear and confusion. Ah, politics!
So vote Super-Villain for Emperor for Life! Or don't. It doesn't even matter. (Those are the best kinds of elections.)
A minor loophole
Of course! The whole Scorloon society is a tangled bureaucratic ball of Christmas lights. There are levels upon levels of redundant, useless committees. You have to fill out practically 15 pages of forms to go to the bathroom. They are a bloated, obsolete, decaying, intergalactic empire. But...
The whole thing is maintained with computers! And who has techno-pathy? Me!
So, I simply walked past the Scorloon Central Hive-Mind computer, used my awesome techno-pathic abilities, and *voila!* I am now a candidate (okay, the only candidate) for Scorloon Emperor for Life. It's a little disappointing that I didn't need a revolution by force, but I can't get caught up in style points. It's results that count.
Besides, there's time. Nothing says Emperor for Life like senseless public executions. Huzzah!
I'll take door #3, if you don't mind
Here I am riding on a Scorloon battle cruiser. Things are going well. I'm looking out the view window, watching the Earth disappear into the distance as we enter the amber-violet spectrum of trans-spatial warp. It's all good. I am preparing myself for the awaiting throngs of Scorloons, eager for me to lead them to greatness. I am ready. But first, I want some food. No problem, right? I tell the on-board compu-drive to give me the finest dish in the Scorloon menu.
Well, first it wants to know my height and weight (in "Thrggsh" or whatever the unit of measure on Scorloon is), then it wants to get a skin sample, then I have to fill out a color based personality examination ("How does green taste?"), then I need to attach a copy of my Scorloon military record... Hey! Stupid computer, just bring me a goddamned burger or something!
Finally (finally!), I seem to have made it through whatever hoops it has left and it opens the tele-hatch and gives me the meal. It is not a burger. It is not a noodle-based dish. It is not even a vegetable. It appears to be what would happen if a centipede had a baby with a frog (with a skin condition). It's repulsive.
And it's still alive!
Assessment
So where am I in my Year of Super-Villainy? Hmmm.
Let's see. I accidentally created "Skyline's Newest Super-Hero Sensation," the idiotic Green Hunter. I've battled a hamster (And cannot declare a clear victory. Damn you Hamster, damn you!). I've been betrayed by the one minion I thought I could trust. And I've been surpassed in villainous reputation by my robotic doppelganger. Yeah, this year's been just great!
I've been thinking that maybe what I need is a change of scenery. A fresh start. When I had a crisis of confidence before, I realized that I wasn't thinking big enough. I needed a big city instead of a little town. Well, you know, maybe just a city isn't big enough for my aspirations. I need to go intergalactic.
That's right, I have made some contacts with the Scorloons. I perhaps was too harsh in my earlier assessment of them. They're actually quite potent. And their language is beautifully melodic. I don't know who said it sounded like "a bear raping a refrigerator," but they (clearly) didn't know what they were talking about. They have read about my exploits and #17 Most Wanted ranking (Shhh. Don't ruin this for me.) and want me to help them in the (eternal) quest to conquer Earth.
I have graciously accepted their offer to travel to their Empire and help them develop fool-proof plans for victory. When I return, this victory will not be hollow. It will be filled with the gooey sweetness of revenge!
