Perhaps you have noticed the lapse in posting recently? (Or not.) Well, I have been wrapped up in tense negotiations with the Walking Blackhole! Okay, not the Walking Blackhole himself. He is as large as a dwarf star, which makes it difficult to talk man to man, er, Celestial Force. But 'ol Blackhole has a guy. A go-fer. A guy who finds him planets to sate his "unquenchable hunger." I know. How do you sate an unquenchable hunger? It doesn't really matter.
The point is that to find these planets the Blackhole has gifted vast cosmic energy to some dude to get the job done. Honestly, he mentioned that he was somethingsomething, Vanguard of the Walking Blackhole, but I didn't catch it. It's been a bit awkward having 2 weeks of negotiations with him when I can't remember his name. "Hey...there, you." "Yes, I agree... with you..." I don't think he's noticed though. His glowing visage doesn't seem too emotive, so it's hard to tell.
Anyway, the Scorloons control 3 planets in the system and 17 moons. Most of those are used for inventory storage and bookkeeping. When everything you do requires 15 forms, it takes up space (pun! ha!) fast. So in exchange for providing these delicious planetary snacks (and a couple of billion Scorloon lives) to the Walking Blackhole, he will endow me with a portion of his immeasurable power. So the deal: he doesn't eat me, and I get some sweet power upgrades.
That's what I call win-win.
Moon 5 is for carbon copies
Vote or die!
The Super-Villain for Scorloon Emperor for Life campaign is going very strong. Okay, technically, this election is a sham that I cannot possibly lose, but it's rewarding to be out there meeting the people. Well, not really people. I'm on the road, shaking, er, "sucker-clasps" and kissing babies, um, "larva." Not really kissing in the conventional sense. Smiling at, maybe? But you can't really tell with my face mask on. So I suppose I glower for a few seconds at the grubs before they scurry off in fear and confusion. Ah, politics!
So vote Super-Villain for Emperor for Life! Or don't. It doesn't even matter. (Those are the best kinds of elections.)
We'll carve it on your gravestone
Apparently, the former minion's beef with me is that I never gave him his family sanctuary in Escartion. Well, yeah, okay. Not yet. But, of course, Escartion doesn't exist. It seems that that fact really got into his craw. He kept saying "Escartion, Escartion" while that damned robot duplicate held me at blaster-point. Again, okay, yes, Escartion doesn't exist. Not yet. But I totally could make a place called Escartion. After the global domination. Minions just don't have any patience.
I mean, am I frustrated not to be unquestioned emperor of the world? Sure. But I have vision. And vision takes patience. You can't just be a whiny baby and secretly program your master's robot duplicate to obey only your orders. That's not cool. That might be okay in the Philippines or Cambodia or Korea or wherever you're from, but here, in the big boy world that's not how it works.
Now, Zippidy Minion, I'm afraid I will have to destroy you and your family. I will call your grave "Escartion."
Cause that's poetic justice. Get it?
I, Robot
Minion Z has come out of his funk and constructed his first robot duplicate of me! I know I vowed to kill him, but the enterprising little guy is just so handy to have around. I know it's not very villainous, but damn it, I appreciate the guy. Is that so wrong?
Now, let the super-hero mind-warp-ery begin!
Motivation
I'm all moved in now. I've got the wide screen TV for monitoring my schemes/henchmen. (Currently still only in the "plotting" phases.) I've got a good supply of canned food and water for the next time some cosmological deity decides to crash its sun-eating ass into the city power grid. I've got my computer set up locked in and running some battle simulations against various heroes. I've got all of my spare machine parts in the "office." (Soon to be renamed. I haven't decided on which is better; "Den of Evil" or "Crime Lab". That would be where crimes are created, not solved.) And over there is the cot I found on a street corner where Z, the minion, (fitfully) sleeps.
Now to put plots into action. It got me thinking about motivation, why we villains do what we do.
For most of them, the motivation is the basic: cash. It's a trap though. You blast your way through a bank, collect a couple bags of money, and then... what? Where do you go from there? If you're a super-villain you can't just spend it, you're far too flamboyant to just walk into a store and buy your heart's desire. Plus, you're on the villain database and the latest edition of the Noticer's Guide, so you can't easily quietly slip off to retirement. You have to constantly battle authorities or super-heroes to keep your money. So then you end up spending it all on means to battle the heroes... it's a downward spiral, really.
Other villains are in it for revenge. That's all well and good. Certainly I have aspirations of blasting Green Hunter into non-existence, but that can't be your sole goal. Even if you succeed, it is only a fleeting accomplishment. Self-esteem is nice, but is it worth the potential death or injury. (Obviously, Green Hunter is the exception.)
Then, there's conquest. That's more up my alley. Remaking the world in your own image. A noble goal. Making the world a better place, really.
Then there's the poor saps who have devolved into semi-sentient threats. Your lumbering heaps of destruction that provide a nice punching bag for some dumb hero to slug away at. Some guy wanders into the wrong chemical plant and comes out a muck-beast of some sort, completely accidentally, and a "hero" get's his kicks out of punching the holy hell out of him until he blacks out from pain or injury? Who's the bad guy then? Bastards.
Damn-ster!
That damn hamster is driving me crazy. Every two seconds it's "I'm hungry, want to eat." or "Thirsty. Want water." Look hamster, I know you're just a rodent, but I don't need to hear about every damn thought that crosses your damn little head! I just can't turn it off. I've been trying to express the problem to minion Z, but it's a little hard to explain with pictures and hand signals that "your stupid hamster is spamming my brain with annoying thought messages."
Minion Z can sense that I'm not my usual chipper, globe-conquering self, and he's trying to cheer me up by showing me the progress he's made on the armor suit. It does look very nice – weapons, shields, he's even built me an intimidating face mask. I can't even concentrate on all that now.
I've taken to drinking a lot more than usual to try to dull the impact of the barrage of "Hamster baaaaalllll!" on my poor brain. Damn you hamster! Damn you and your plastic climbing maze!
Robots and rodents
Young minion Z (I've decided that's the easiest way to refer to him), really has quite a talent for this robotics thing! I accompanied him back to his dorm room and he was showing me his work. It was quite impressive. Perhaps he's worth keeping around after my power acquisition after all. He already had the framework for a metallic suit set up and had made good progress in developing some miniaturized weaponry. The armor frame was far too short for me, so after a (minor) threat of force minion Z has agreed to re-size it for my height. He has also been working on some nano-cybernetic technology. I didn't follow his explanation (a lot of hand waving and pointing to blueprints), but it appears that he has equipped his pet hamster with a wi-fi connection! I told him that it was very impressive and that I would like to able to link to machinery with my mind as well. I think he understood my meaning.
I made certain to speak very CLEARLY and very LOUDLY.
Plan B begins
Re-assembling the Atom Vortex continues to elude my tech-minion and I. Even when I think it's fully formed, it will do nothing more than hum. Where are my beautiful green sparks? Where are my soothing blobs of super-power-dom?. Damn that Hunter! Damn him in his stupid, stupid face.
And before anyone asks, yes, I saw that Green Hunter stopped an alien invasion over the weekend. But, I mean, it was only the Scorloons. They've been thwarted before by such pitiful heroes as the guy who can throw his own hands and the girl who can form solid objects out of her love for puppies! Okay, I'm not sure about the specifics of those heroes powers, but the point is that they're lame. Just because the Earth's Elite have decided to lower their bar from being the greatest super-hero team in the world to invite Green Hunter to join them doesn't mean anything. The Elite must have some serious issues behind closed doors to even consider adding Green Hunter to their roster after such an unimpressive achievement. I mean, a high-school kid would be impressed that I can buy beer, but everyone else would see that it's no big deal. Yes, I'm equating the difficulty of defeating a Scorloon invasion with going to the store and buying booze; sometimes it's a hassle, but failure isn't really an option.
Ahem. Anyway, Zoo (?) and I are struggling with this challenge, when he makes some sort of sound that slightly resembles the word "robot." I still can't make heads or tails of what he's saying, but this coincidence gets me thinking that perhaps I'm taking the wrong approach with this. Maybe, instead of chancing that I might get deformed or annihilated in a nuclear accident, I should focus on making a robotic suit of armor!
The advantages are myriad: I won't get killed if it doesn't work, it will conceal my identity, it's upgradeable (it's always a plus when you can pull a new weapon out of your bio-mechanical hat), and it leaves open the option of creating robot duplicates! I'm already working it out in my head how some random hero will be struggling for their life against a lifeless automaton while I am safely escaping and moving on to the next phase of my scheme. Brilliant! And the look of frustration when they finally realize that all of their struggle was just against a robot. Delicious!
Zhou seemed excited as well when he finally grasped what I was aiming for. It seems that Zu is an enthusiastic aficionado of robots. Maybe he's Japanese? They love robots right?
Getting back up on that atomic horse.
I once again have gathered the parts for my power-endowing device. This time, I had some trouble getting it to work, so I have been forced to once again dip into the murky pool of gullible University students. But, I have learned from my earlier mistakes, um, experiences. First of all, I have opted for a non-english speaker, I believe his name is "Zhou", "Zoo", "Zu", or something like that. It sounds like the place of captivity that I shall soon place the world in. He is an engineering student, so he has the necessary technical expertise to assist me. My previous idiot intern was, of course, on the other farthest possible side of the spectrum in the regard.
He is Korean. Or maybe Chinese? I don't really know, I can't understand a word that he's saying. Really, I see the human race as one single group, so why differentiate by randomly determined national borders? They will all fall under the shadow of my iron fist eventually, so why worry about it? He is a hard worker, and has obeyed even my harshest commands without question. It's nice to have a competent minion (for once). Hear that, Hunter? Idiot.
Despite our language incompatibility, he seems to grasp the mechanical aspects of what I'm aiming for. That's refreshing. Also, I really, really love being able to casually discuss his eventual execution right in front of his face. He'll just smile and nod.
"After I gain god-like powers you will have the honor of being my first extermination! Aren't you lucky, Zhou?"
*smiles*
*nods*
Refreshing.
Machines and minions
Rome was not built in a day. In this timeline, at least. So, I am ramping up slowly to my status as a super-villain. The first conundrum to overcome is key: acquiring powers. Now, as I mentioned yesterday, I have obtained some components from The University's surplus store. Professor Excellence required 6 cyclotrons (compensating for something "Excellence?") for one of his big trans-dimensional bubble cannons last year (It drove off The Walking Blackhole, if you recall), and in doing so the University was left with several pieces of old atom-warping machinery that no longer worked. Thanks to the state laws that forbid the outright discarding of University/taxpayer property these components were available at very reasonable prices.
According to The Noticer's Guide to Super-Humans, roughly 34% of all super-humans gained their abilities after a mechanical mishap. Experimental explosion, radioactive badger, trans-dimensional doorway malfunction, you know, the usual.
Now I have cobbled together the pieces and intend to endow myself with abilities (as yet unknown) beyond those of mortal men. But, there is also a good chance I will be vaporized. To test the machine I have enlisted the assistance of my first minion! Yes, a college student named Hunter is now assisting me. He believes that this is an internship, and that he will snag an easy 3 credit hours. Oh yes, Hunter, it will be easy... if you survive! "Oh, no, it's perfectly safe. I'll just be standing right here behind 15 feet of reinforced steel." Foolish intern.
So, it begins...
Aaaugh!
So, it begins. I quest to become a super-villain. Nay, the greatest of super-villains! Relations at The University have disintegrated at, shall we say, a startling rate. This is not the time or place to get into the messy specifics. Let's just say that the world of academia is not for me. They cannot handle me. It's not me, it's them.
So, where to go from here? Unfortunately, the idea of super-villainy didn't come to me until very recently. When the writing was on the wall. But I am have ambitions, and plans. Always plans. The first step is obvious: become super. In that regard, I have obtained from University surplus several large machines. As pieces they may not appear to be much, but together...
Experiments begin tomorrow...
