It's another Friday, and here at The Pub that means inventory. God, I hate inventory. But, I'm in a suit of armor bristling with deadly weapons, so that means I'm not doing anything. I'm hiding out here in the back while the minion and the employees do everything. That's something you need to learn as a super-villain, delegating (you can't do everything by yourself). But now I'm bored, so I'm going to tie up some loose ends.
1) The Hamster: I have not had any more annoying transmissions lately. So, the hamster is dead and being swallowed by a rabid dog. Or is at least out of range to save my sanity. I don't know who I need to threaten to ensure it, but I really hope the dog scenario is correct.
2) The minion (Z): He has been quite loyal, despite the fact that this armor I'm using may have been his thesis project and I have villainously taken it for my own nefarious ends. How is this possible? Ah, but my weapons are of both the cybernetic body and the mind. I simply told him that the authorities are the ones who destroyed his dorm room (back in the Hamster battle) and he quite eagerly believed me. It seems that the rulers of his homeland do that sort of thing all the time. Also, I promised to make him the Provincial Governor of Escartion and to allow his family to live there in freedom and safety (provided they can escape the iron rule of their native dictator). Every time he seems to lose his nerve, I bring up this promise and vaporize a shot glass to show him that I can give him this title and lots of land in fertile Escartion.
Well, I could, if Escartion actually existed. I made it up. I am a super-villain after all.
The scenic valleys of Escartion
A simple, elegant solution
I'm direct blogging from my mind now. I'm so excited. Why didn't I think of this before? The hamster's a problem? KILL THE HAMSTER! A nice, simple, elegant solution.
So my first act of villainy will be perpetrated on an eight ounce rodent? No problem. My path to glory and infamy will overwhelm this humble beginning. I mean, what are they going to remember, that I first battled a hamster, or that I blanketed the world in a plague of werewolf ninjas? (Werewolf ninjas? I should remember that for later.)
I'm going to the minion's dorm room. I've sent him out to gather materials for the armor, but I've given him hopelessly convoluted instructions that should keep him occupied for
- oooooh! a weeelll! when did that get here? wanna run! -
Aaargh! See what I'm talking about? Constant annoying inter...
- run. run. ooo. me hungry, want food! hey! a foodman!-
Shhh. I'm going to quietly go into the room. I see you hamster. I'm coming to get Yes, little hamster, I've got food for you; how about some hot lead? Do you have enough of that in your diet? Ha, ha!
- hi foodman! give food! food! food! wait what that? that not food. danger! run!-
You can't hide in there little bastard! I'll smash your tunnel to bits! Ha, take that! I'm going to kill you so...
- run! run! danger! -
Damn, I missed. Hold still you little fuzzball!
- mean, mean foodman! hide, hide. danger! -
Shut up! Crap, I'm out of bullets. Boy those things can smash a place up. He's around here somewhere. I'll just stomp on him. Heeere, hamster hamst...
- new tunnel! run! danger! -
Crap, he's running for the vent! Stop, stop!
...
Okay, okay. Let me gather my thoughts here. So, the minion's room is kind of in shambles. I guess I really need to take a shooting course. Yes, and a fighting course. (Damn you, Hunter!) So, the hamster managed to dodge the shots. Maybe, in retrospect I should have just grabbed the hamster and just finished him quickly. I guess I fell into the old villain trap of trying to be too flashy with the gun and all. It was just going to be so cathartic to shoot that hamster and silence him forever. But...
So I missed, smashed open the cage, and he escaped through a vent. It all happened so fast, I couldn't tell if I wounded it or not. Maybe I did. You know how chickens can run around for a while even with their heads cut off? Maybe I've mortally wounded it, but adrenaline and dying muscle memory got it into the vent? I haven't heard any other comments since it ran in there. Yes, I'm sure it's dead. That's a relief. Now I can get back...
- mean foodman! hamster free now. hamster free! -
Nooooooooo!
Damn-ster!
That damn hamster is driving me crazy. Every two seconds it's "I'm hungry, want to eat." or "Thirsty. Want water." Look hamster, I know you're just a rodent, but I don't need to hear about every damn thought that crosses your damn little head! I just can't turn it off. I've been trying to express the problem to minion Z, but it's a little hard to explain with pictures and hand signals that "your stupid hamster is spamming my brain with annoying thought messages."
Minion Z can sense that I'm not my usual chipper, globe-conquering self, and he's trying to cheer me up by showing me the progress he's made on the armor suit. It does look very nice – weapons, shields, he's even built me an intimidating face mask. I can't even concentrate on all that now.
I've taken to drinking a lot more than usual to try to dull the impact of the barrage of "Hamster baaaaalllll!" on my poor brain. Damn you hamster! Damn you and your plastic climbing maze!
Crosstalk
Mind-blogging is awesome. Totally cooler than the green sparks thing. Absolutely. Small problem though, I keep getting psychic messages from minion Z's hamster. Not good. Ugh.
No, I don't want to run on the wheel! Stop asking me!
First power, first step
Minion Z has injected his nano-technology into me. I am now blogging this with the power of my mind! I suppose this would count as my first super-power, but this is only a modest first step. Today, techno-pathy, tomorrow, the universe!
Oh, and Green Hunter? You can't blog with your mind, can you? No. No, you can't. Idiot.
