Ah, sweet Earth. I am back again at the 'ol homeworld and it looks as ready to be dominated as ever. From orbit I can observe the gentle contours of the continents, ready to be formed to my will. Below me, unsuspecting, lay my enemies. Believing me dead, apparently. That is for the best, now I have the element of surprise.
Well, I guess except for Green Hunter. And, I suppose the rest of the Earth's Elite, if he told them. Of course he told them. If there's one thing I know about my former intern it's that he thinks whatever happens in his life is of critical importance to all of those with earshot. Gah, if I had to hear one more time about his kegger at the Delta house... So you made out with two girls at once, I get it. Geez.
So yeah, he no doubt informed Earth's most powerful superteam that I am back on the scene. So I can expect Admiral Admirable to show up any second and punch me in the face while he lectures me on the morality of my actions. Yippee. Actually, I think this is a good thing. If the media has to hear about my return, it definately adds some credibilty to me to have the Earth's Elite make the announcement. That will get me one Page one for sure. Or at least the front section somewhere, right?
Based on the destroyed wreckage of alien battle ships floating around here in orbit maybe (maybe!) I'll get bumped off the front page for whatever this mess was. I suppose "Alien Attack Defeated" beats "Master Super-villain Returns." No. You know what? I am the bigger news here. There have been dozens of repelled alien invasions, but how many times have I defeated the icy grip of the grave? Just once! Give me my headlines!
Really it's quantity vs. quality
Let me cut you off...
I keep getting e-mails from Autonomous Robot, Terror of the Slums, and a couple of other low-grade super-villains. "Why haven't you updated?" "Where is your next post?" "How do I know how to become a better super-villain?" Great. I'm the leader of a bunch of has-beens and never-will-bes.
Okay, you pathetic losers. Here's what I've been doing; the perfect bank robbery. Now, I know I've mentioned before what I think about crime for financial gain. But this is different. This is about perfecting my technique. I've got my teleportation rig set up within the armor so I can open a portal to a specific place and then walk right through. So the plan is simple; teleport into a bank vault, throw bags of cash through the portal (into my apartment, where the minion organizes it), and then walk out. It's easy, has netted me about $1.2 million in a week, and has jumped me up the Most Wanted charts (#22, suckers!). I even heard that Admiral Admirable, (Yes, the Admiral Admirable) mentioned that he would take steps to stop my "plague of larceny". Oh, Admiral. "Plague of Larceny?" You can coin a phrase.
But if you think that's totally awesome, (Which it is, Autonomous Robot, you pitiful sack of circuits.) listen to this. I'm in the middle of the robbery scheme and the Purple Pirate busts in and tries to take me out. I'm just about done with the robbery, so I ignore him and close my portal to leave. Well, I guess the Pirate moves faster then I thought, because he was nearly on me. Too bad for him that the portal closed and severed his head clean off! Holy crap! I killed the Purple Pirate! That should move me into the Top 20 for sure.
