Name of the game

I was working on some my distinctive "calling cards" when I realized that I haven't mentioned my super-villain alias. Truly, an egregious oversight.

Now, I know there is a strong camp that believes that your name should be structured along the lines of "Title Description." That would be a title like "Professor", "General", "Emperor", something like that and then the description of what you intend to do: "Death", "Doom", "Apocalypse". You get the idea. I don't like the notion though because it relies on a title. Titles are given by the authorities, and as I've mentioned before, being a villain is all about subverting authority. You can't play by their rules.

Or you can go with something that is related to your powers, but I don't like being pigeonholed by my (current) power set. I've got big ambitions. Nothing less than universal domination will do, so I'm not going to be stuck with some lame name just because my first powers were nano-tech related. Please.

I'm trying to elevate the game here. So I've decided to go with something deceptively simple, "Super-villain". It says what I am and I am what it says. It's so obvious that everyone else has overlooked it. I am going to define the word through my actions. It's brilliant.

Plus, they'll have to use my photo in the dictionary.

Motivation

I'm all moved in now. I've got the wide screen TV for monitoring my schemes/henchmen. (Currently still only in the "plotting" phases.) I've got a good supply of canned food and water for the next time some cosmological deity decides to crash its sun-eating ass into the city power grid. I've got my computer set up locked in and running some battle simulations against various heroes. I've got all of my spare machine parts in the "office." (Soon to be renamed. I haven't decided on which is better; "Den of Evil" or "Crime Lab". That would be where crimes are created, not solved.) And over there is the cot I found on a street corner where Z, the minion, (fitfully) sleeps.

Now to put plots into action. It got me thinking about motivation, why we villains do what we do.

For most of them, the motivation is the basic: cash. It's a trap though. You blast your way through a bank, collect a couple bags of money, and then... what? Where do you go from there? If you're a super-villain you can't just spend it, you're far too flamboyant to just walk into a store and buy your heart's desire. Plus, you're on the villain database and the latest edition of the Noticer's Guide, so you can't easily quietly slip off to retirement. You have to constantly battle authorities or super-heroes to keep your money. So then you end up spending it all on means to battle the heroes... it's a downward spiral, really.

Other villains are in it for revenge. That's all well and good. Certainly I have aspirations of blasting Green Hunter into non-existence, but that can't be your sole goal. Even if you succeed, it is only a fleeting accomplishment. Self-esteem is nice, but is it worth the potential death or injury. (Obviously, Green Hunter is the exception.)

Then, there's conquest. That's more up my alley. Remaking the world in your own image. A noble goal. Making the world a better place, really.

Then there's the poor saps who have devolved into semi-sentient threats. Your lumbering heaps of destruction that provide a nice punching bag for some dumb hero to slug away at. Some guy wanders into the wrong chemical plant and comes out a muck-beast of some sort, completely accidentally, and a "hero" get's his kicks out of punching the holy hell out of him until he blacks out from pain or injury? Who's the bad guy then? Bastards.

Betrayal

Many things happened this weekend, but I'm not going to go into it right now. I'm too hurt.

Valentine, now two-time Hot Bod champ, has dealt me the harshest blow yet. She has betrayed me. Her name is not actually "Valentine"! It's "Amber" or "Amanda" or something like that. Valentine is her stripper name! First she lies to me about her name and then she misleads me about her occupation!? She claimed she was a dental hygienist! I had already planned to use her expertise in assembling metallic jaws for my theoretical army of Chomper-men. But does she know anything that would help me with that? No! Knowing how to keep $114 in one dollar bills in a single g-string is not going to help me defeat the Earth's Elite!

And don't even start with the hypocritical aspect of my own using a super-villain name rather than my real name, it's totally different. I am competing in a field where an intimidating name is going to win half my battles. Are you going to mess with someone named Complete Destruction? Or Devourous the Terrible? It's about building your super-villain brand. You need to develop your name and figure out your gimmick. Can a guy called Sandpaper Assassin have teleportation powers? No, it has to be sand-related. You are competing against guys with the craziest outfits you've ever imagined, after all. You need to stand out from the pack. This isn't that hard. Geez.

Worst of all, she was using me to get better scores in the Hot Bod contests. Who knew she would betray this town leading (okay, only) super-villain for a $50 prize? I take back the 10's and 9.7's! I never meant it!

Case #16442: Larry v. Super-villain

The unchallenged dominance of my rule did not last long. Larry, The Pub's former owner, returned after the weekend and he was slightly annoyed to find that he was no longer in charge. He kept blathering on about where is my paperwork? Who do I think I am? I'm going to get my lawyer on the phone? I mean, really? A lawyer? I'm a freaking super-villain! Like a well constructed court order is going to have any effect on my actions. That's the whole point of being a super-villain!

Super-heroes are The Man. The Authority. All of their actions are about maintaining the status quo. All that sweat, grit, and determination they muster is about keeping things exactly the same way they are. They are anti-change, anti-progress, really. I mean, I think it's probably an improvement to reshape the coastline of Asia into the likeness of my face. (It will look awesome from space! C'mon!) Or to transform the people of England into obedient bio-machines. But, no, Heroes are always working to thwart this kind of real advancement. People may think it's some sort of flaw to be a super-villain, but what it's really about is freedom! Freedom to think how you want to think! Freedom to be who you want to be! Freedom to annihilate who you want to annihilate! Freedom to raise the werewolf ninja armies that you want to raise!

Sorry about that. I got caught up in the feeling of it all. Anyways, Larry is there yapping at me about quid pro quo or something, and I have (unfortunately) been caught out of my battle armor. This is an embarrassing thing to admit, but I was not prepared. Honestly, after the big sales of "Five Dollah Friday" and the success of judging the "Hot Bod" contest on Saturday, I was feeling a little too relaxed. Also, Valentine, the Hot Bod winner seems quite responsive to my flirting when I'm out of the armor.

So I was caught with my quantum pants down, so to speak. I quickly retreated to the back room and sent out my robotic minion to handle things until I got suited up. Okay, "robotic minion" is a bit of a stretch. It was my usual minion, Z, but he was wearing some scrap metal and a hand-crafted pail painted to look like a face. It looks terrible, but honestly, no one really knows what to do when you see that staggering toward you shouting Cantonese (?).

I'll give him credit though, Larry took initiative and began pummeling Z. If I need to work on my fighting skills, then Z really, really needs help. But what are minions for if not to be punching bag distractions? (Answer: nothing) Once I was back in the armor the battle went as follows:

Me: I command you to die!

Larry: Wha-?

Me: *fusion blast*

Larry: *vaporize*

Ha! Case closed. Is that legally binding enough for you Larry?