I, Robot

Minion Z has come out of his funk and constructed his first robot duplicate of me! I know I vowed to kill him, but the enterprising little guy is just so handy to have around. I know it's not very villainous, but damn it, I appreciate the guy. Is that so wrong?

Now, let the super-hero mind-warp-ery begin!

Quality is worth the price

Actually, I take it back. The Purple Pirate head and hat display case looks great. Teak, copper, glass, it is beautiful. Well worth the expense. And the taxidermist did a fantastic job with the Pirate's head. He looks like he was a very intimidating opponent; steely glare, teeth clenched, hat cocked down slightly over his eyes. (Have I mentioned how awesome his hat is?) The typographer did a great job on the plaque as well. Very classy. Trajan as the font, I believe.

I just keep staring at it. What a battle trophy! Now it is a "Den of Evil" indeed. Z seems deeply distraught by my new addition. Well, if he's going to hang with me he'sgoing to have to toughen up a little. Don't his people eat dogs or something? Now that's disturbing. All he does now is huddle in the corner, flinch, and cry softly to himself. It's hilarious!

This display case is great! It's the gift that keeps on giving!

It's a damn shame

I am furious!

The new Most Wanted list came out and I only moved up one spot? #21? I just killed the Purple Pirate. Does that not mean anything to you... you... whoever determines the Most Wanted? The old Pirate is (er, was) surely one of the top super-heroes in the world! The world of localized street crime. Street crime within the 18th and 45th street vicinity of the city. Mostly at night and early evening.

I mean, the sword, the buccaneer hat, the monochromatic outfit? Oh, and the EYE PATCH!? Who else has all that? Yeah, he wasn't a "heavy-hitter." But, you know, that whole "lifting buildings" thing that those show-offs do is really over-rated. The Pirate didn't engage in gratuitous feats of muscle. No. He was in there, getting dirty, getting real work done against my fellow criminal element.

And the Parrot Lads! His sidekicks. I think there are three, no, maybe four acrobatic teens who helped in his battle against villainy. He touched real lives here. Will that be swept under the rug after his demise? Will no one weep for the loss of the Purple Pirate?

It's disappointing that the Pirate has been so quickly dismissed. I kind of feel bad for the poor guy. Boy, now I feel a little awkward about the display case I've commissioned to hold his severed head and kickin' buccaneer hat.

Let me cut you off...

I keep getting e-mails from Autonomous Robot, Terror of the Slums, and a couple of other low-grade super-villains. "Why haven't you updated?" "Where is your next post?" "How do I know how to become a better super-villain?" Great. I'm the leader of a bunch of has-beens and never-will-bes.

Okay, you pathetic losers. Here's what I've been doing; the perfect bank robbery. Now, I know I've mentioned before what I think about crime for financial gain. But this is different. This is about perfecting my technique. I've got my teleportation rig set up within the armor so I can open a portal to a specific place and then walk right through. So the plan is simple; teleport into a bank vault, throw bags of cash through the portal (into my apartment, where the minion organizes it), and then walk out. It's easy, has netted me about $1.2 million in a week, and has jumped me up the Most Wanted charts (#22, suckers!). I even heard that Admiral Admirable, (Yes, the Admiral Admirable) mentioned that he would take steps to stop my "plague of larceny". Oh, Admiral. "Plague of Larceny?" You can coin a phrase.

But if you think that's totally awesome, (Which it is, Autonomous Robot, you pitiful sack of circuits.) listen to this. I'm in the middle of the robbery scheme and the Purple Pirate busts in and tries to take me out. I'm just about done with the robbery, so I ignore him and close my portal to leave. Well, I guess the Pirate moves faster then I thought, because he was nearly on me. Too bad for him that the portal closed and severed his head clean off! Holy crap! I killed the Purple Pirate! That should move me into the Top 20 for sure.

Always trust what you read

The teleportation rig is a go! My power set now reads: Techno-pathy, battle armor, and teleportation. It's a little eclectic, but it's a lot better than where I was at the beginning.

All day I've been teleporting stuff through my end of the wormhole. I'm not totally sure where the other end goes, but they are now the proud recipients of a Most Improved Soccer award, some spare Atom-Vortex parts, a dead rat, 3 phone books I swiped from my neighbor, and about 50 copies of the local apartment renters guide. (I swear they print 5 million of those things and no one ever picks them up.)

I haven't tried going through myself (yet), but I hope it's depositing all this crap right into the Earth's Elite headquarters. Maybe I should print up some "Green Hunter Sucks!" fliers. Then they will no doubt realize that he does, in fact, suck.

And they will kick him off the team.

And banish him to Limbo-verse.

And then disband.

And then give control over the planet to me. Yes, that would be nice.

A bounty of riches

Old crab-face (Noticer's ID's him as the Walrus Warlord. I don't know what sort of walruses they have around where he grew up, but they don't look like that.) didn't get over to the Turning Observatory in time before I was able to snag three (count 'em) cosmic scatterers. I know, the teleportation rig only requires one, but now I can flip one for a pretty penny and keep one as a spare. I am becoming certified-awesome, am I right? You'd think that would be enough, but guess what?

No, not a robot invasion.

No.

No! Come on! I would never breed with an Alien! Disgusting!

Green Hunter was there! He was there doing something for the Observatory and tried to thwart my scheme. I blasted away at him until my batteries were near empty. Unfortunately, he was able to deflect my shots with his stupid green sparkles (They should have been mine!). But, in all the confusion I knocked over something and it imperiled a civilian. Being the goofy super-hero he is, of course he ran over to rescue them. Ah ha! But I got away! Suck it, idiot intern!

Take a number

Boy, things are different here in the big city. I'm in the process of getting together some equipment to build a teleportation rig. You know, your basic atom strippers, gravity rails, Heisenberg compensators, basic stuff. Professor Excellence, in his enormous ego, has published his work in the field. And really, if you just follow along, it's not that hard to do. Well, the stuff is not so basic because it's all stored in random high-tech labs around the city. So I grab the armor suit and head over to snag some shiny technology.

It's not like the sleepy University town though. There's already a super-villain there. Bad form. I didn't have my Noticer's Guide to Super-Humans with me so I couldn't ID him. His face kind of looked like a crab having a hemorrhoids attack, if that makes any sense. He was incomprehensibly ranting (Having a hemorrhoidal crab-face apparently gives you a very heavy accent.) and battling some sort of Roman-themed hero. I really need to study my Noticer's if I'm going to hang around here, I didn't recognize him either. They fought for a while, but I decided that they had a kind of a thing going and went back to the Den of Evil.

In the end I came away empty-handed. I'm not used to this hectic super-human city. Maybe next time I need to make an appointment or something. Or wake up early.